ew page to discuss american suburbia and what it means to grow up in a space like that.. the loneliness, the rare beauty. kind of a poetic statement more than anything.
Money would be really tight. i'd put out an "apb" for any mutuals or friends or friends of friends who have an open place and need another roommate, anywhere in the united states will do.
What happened to me was i had this amazing sense of stability in the first half of the year, and then i lost it all after ian. I lost more of it after i began to feel love and real touch starvation. I have only been more emotional and flighty than ever.
Everyone keeps saying there's stress and trauma and anxiety, and i don't believe i'm grounded enough to see where any of it is coming from. There are natural places of stress, like academia and a new life on my own, but i don't see them. I know they're around, but i just don't see them.
I have for ages believed i was not fit for this kind of life but now i'm more certain. i need to take much more time. i need to draw this out, to really take my baby steps and sit at the stream bank as i watch it go by much faster than me.
I already know how i would conduct myself.
Squint to see
A phlegmatic stoicism leading sadly and not much further ahead than my emotions, brawling and bawling within me. I would lose myself in books like i did when i was a child- i already see the practice ripe within me, wanting to burst out. I would go on long, long walks, and likely runs.
Today, i wanted so badly to open the front door and run around the neighborhood. i almost did, but then i showered. i should always listen to that impulse that tells me to run, physically, as an exercise. I would use the hell out of my library card. Once i find stability in wherever i am, i will go to community college. I've seen so many people get on fine with this... people in fiction, sure, but even like Mason. I'll miss him, but in that one night he opened a lot up to me.
I have felt so much pain, and it keeps growing. My body is so tense. I am constantly balled up, or badly needing to be. I feel no security, and if i do it is temporary, and i cry and sob. I feel no security that has to do with improving the human condition. as grateful as i am to have a financial security from my parents, it is not a human comfort- it is a societal one. I need to have a home. i need to be able to learn and expand at a liberating, free pace, as slow or as fast as that may be. i need to be held and touched. I need to have a home. I need to speak to a therapist, more than anything. face-to-face. i'll break the computer screen.
I know what i need. i have people i can ask to help me get it- i can ask for financial advice from Giavanna and Lauren, i can ask for help on finding housing through mutuals, i can secure a job through friends or just through my own bravery. I would like to sell a lot of my belongings.
What i need to be able to say is that not a day has gone by in the past several weeks where i have not wanted to sob, where i have not felt tears pressing up behind my eyes and tensing my jaw and throat until they hurt. I have felt, consistently, horribly defeated. I do not know how to pull myself out of this but to pull myself out of these conditions.
I have just spent a good bit of time combing through some things in my room and determining what to sell. I want to do a yard sale. I want to have three tubs of books- a $1, $5, $10 bin. 10 would hold all brand-new books, 5 would hold good condition, and 1 would hold flimsy little books. i am so nauseas from all of that. i felt my head spin and my body grow so weak. I know what i would miss most from flagler would be the soup. the soup was the highlight of everything. i am a creature of comfort. i need touch, soup, and a real home.
The Tower, reversed
The Tower reversed warns you not to try and rebuild what you had but to seek something new and better to build in place of what was destroyed as it was destroyed for a reason. You need to let it go and focus on creating something new.
you can feel some crisis looming along the horizon, and you are struggling as much as you can to try and avoid its manifestation. What you have not realized is that these breakdowns can be beneficial in breaking down your reliance on something that is false. The tower is built on faulty foundations, and it must fall. Though the destruction will be painful, the humbleness resulting from it can bring us peace.
What you relied on will no longer be there for you. Do not take this as a drastic and depressing change, it is time for you to become more self-reliant.